One of the biggest life decisions you’ll ever make in life is to choose a life partner. It’s not just about finding someone cute or someone who makes you laugh (though those are definitely nice bonuses!). It’s about finding your person, your teammate, your co-pilot for the ride of life. This guide on how to choose the right partner can be your lead.
Honestly, it can feel like a huge, scary, exciting puzzle. You’re not just choosing a date for Friday night; you’re choosing someone to share your home, your dreams, your quiet moments, and your loudest challenges with for the rest of your life.
So, how do you even begin to figure out if someone is the one for forever, not just for right now? This isn’t about finding perfection, because spoiler alert, no one is. It’s about finding someone whose imperfections you can live with, and who can withstand and manage your imperfections.
Choosing the Right Partner Starts with Knowing Yourself
Before you can pick or choose the right partner, you need to know who you are and what you truly want.
- What you need and what you can’t stand.
There are scores of “What” questions you need to figure out when you decide to choose a life partner.
What are the things you absolutely cannot live without in a relationship? Think about your everyday life. Do you need someone independent or someone who cherishes quality time together? And just as important, what are the things that are definite deal-breakers? Maybe it’s a difference in wanting children, differing views on financial futures. You may also want to explore honesty in depth. Be brutally honest with yourself here, even if it feels a little blunt, these are the lines you shouldn’t cross, no matter how cute someone is.
- Your core values matter.
What truly matters to you in life? Is it family, faith, helping others, personal growth, or financial security? Your core values are your internal compass. They don’t have to be identical to your partner’s, but they should at least be compatible. You need to be able to respect each other’s deepest beliefs and find common ground.
- Your future dreams.
Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? Do you dream of settling down in one specific place, or do you want to travel and explore the world? Do you want a house full of kids or a quieter, intimate life just for two? Your life visions don’t have to be the same, but they should at least have some things that you can build on together. You can’t expect someone to abandon their dreams for yours, but you might still be able to work things out irrespective of the little differences. Else, find someone whose dreams can intertwine with yours.
Beyond the Facade, Critically Access Your Life Partner
Okay, so you’ve done your homework on you. Now, when you’re thinking about someone as a potential life partner. The initial sparks and butterflies are wonderful, but they’re not enough for a lifetime. You need to look beyond the “honeymoon phase”.
- Do your values align enough?
We talked about your values. Now look at theirs. Do they treat people kindly, genuinely? Do they prioritize what you prioritize (or at least respect it even if their priorities are different)? You don’t need to agree on every single minor thing, but if your core beliefs clash constantly, that’s a red flag.
- How they handle disagreements.
Every couple fights. When tensions rise, do they yell, shut down, blame you, or genuinely try to solve the problem together? You know better which of the cards prefer. But most people prefer someone who is ready to listen to their side and understand, even if they both disagree? Can you both apologise and truly forgive? If they run from conflict. Some people like to be treated softly with reassurance during conflict while others value open, heated or even no-holds-barred discussion. The ball is in your court.
- Can you trust them completely?
Can you rely on their words? Relationships require reciprocity. You know the level of trust you demand and can give. While accessing them to choose the right partner, you need to determine if you feel safe with them emotionally, physically, and financially in terms of trust? Are they consistent in their actions and words? Trust is the bedrock of any strong relationship. Without it, everything crumbles.
- Watch how they treat other people.
Observe how they treat their family, friends, and even strangers. Do they show respect and empathy, or are they dismissive and rude? This tells you a lot about their character when they’re not trying to impress you. How they treat others is a strong indicator of how they’ll eventually treat you when the newness wears off.
- Do they support your dreams?
Do they cheer you on when you talk about your goals; big or small? Do they encourage you to grow, learn, and try new things, even if it’s uncomfortable for them? Or do they subtly (or not so subtly) hold you back or make you feel silly for having ambitions? Your partner should be your biggest fan, lifting you and wanting to see you succeed, not competing with you or undermining you.
- Do you enjoy being together?
Critically examine the times you’ve spent with that person. Can you enjoy simple moments like doing chores together or just sitting in silence? Or does it feel forced? Laughter and shared joy are essential for getting through the tough times and for making the everyday beautiful. You’re signing up for a lot of “everyday,” so make sure those days feel good.
- How do they cope when things are tough?
Life throws curveballs, people lose their jobs, get sick, face family crises, and face financial problems. When stress hits, does this person fall apart, get angry and lash out, or do they help? You need to first identify how you want to be accompanied during hard times, then see if that person who you think might be your right partner has such qualities.
- Do they truly respect you?
Respect goes beyond just being polite. How do you want to be listened to? Do they listen to your opinions, even when they disagree? Do they value your intelligence, your career, your passions, and your boundaries? Respect is vital. You need to determine how much the person truly loves and respects you or how much you can get genuine respect without forcing it.
- Do your futures generally match up?
Do their life goals, career aspirations, and desires regarding family (kids, where to live, etc.) align enough for a shared path? You don’t need identical plans, but the big picture should fit. Compromise is key, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your fundamental desires.
Greens, Yellows, or Reds: What to Look for
Think of these as signals that you are making the right or wrong choice of partner.
- Green Lights Mean Go
You feel safe, respected, understood, supported, and genuinely happy. You can be completely yourself, flaws and all, and they love you for it. You can talk about anything, even uncomfortable topics, and feel heard. You trust them completely, without a shadow of a doubt.
These are the feelings that build a lasting, happy marriage.
- Yellow Lights Mean Caution
These are the little doubts. Maybe you keep making excuses for their behaviour to your friends or even to yourself. You might feel like you’re constantly trying to change them, or that you’re always walking on eggshells. You might find yourselves avoiding talking about big, important topics.
These aren’t necessarily deal-breakers on their own, but they are strong signals that you need to slow down, have some serious conversations, and possibly seek advice before moving forward.
- Red Lights Mean Stop
These are the absolute No’s. We’re talking about constant disrespect, controlling behaviour, persistent lying, cheating, any form of abuse (emotional, verbal, financial, physical), or making you feel worthless and isolating you from friends or family.
If you see red lights, it’s time to walk away. Your safety, mental health, and well-being should always be first.
Take Your Time, Trust Your Instincts
Choosing a life partner isn’t a race. Don’t rush into it because of pressure from family, friends, or even your internal clock that says “it’s time.” Get to know them in different situations. See how they react under pressure, how they treat you when they’re tired, and how they celebrate your successes.
Marriage is a partnership, a lifelong journey of learning and growing together. You want someone who not only makes you happy but genuinely helps you grow into the best version of yourself. It’s a big decision, but with honest self-reflection and careful observation, you can choose the right partner for your forever.